Hmmph!

Well I came up to Ogden so that I could get some much needed homework done by Monday. I've gotten lots done, but still have tonz to do. Well I am missing a family christmas party, a friends wedding reception, and a hangout with my friends night. I have no car, I have homework so it's not like I'm not doing something important and yet I feel like I'm letting people down. My mom told me that I'm not aloud to miss anymore family events. I am 24 years old. I can get busy possibly. I thought moving out would help with the whole, you are letting people down and your life is stretched out way to thin for even me to manage. So I took a break from homework after going nonstop for like 8 hours. I just went out walking, in Ogden, I ended up on a bus and then the next thing I know I'm bawling...on the city bus. Embarrassing! So I try to not look like I'm crying, lucky for me there weren't a lot of people. I really am trying to get my own space and not offend to many people in the process. I don't think that is going to happen though. All I can really say right now is Hmmmph!

Thanksgiving

So yesterday was Thanksgiving, I went home. It was good. It felt more like I was visiting, which is what I was doing. Sometimes I don't know what to say on this because I know that people I actually know will read it. Before this was like my venting session, but now I can't say things the way I really feel because I am afraid of how people would react.

I've recently gotten to the point where I want to find the real me. To not be doing things because someone else thinks I should, or feel a certain way because someone thinks I should, or believe or anything because of what other people think. It's hard cause that is what I have done for most of my life. I have made huge life changing choices because of what I feel other people think I should do or say or think. So now that I'm really trying to find myself it's hard to really find me, who I am and what I have an opinion about. It's even harder because I feel like what is right for me will let so many people down, so many people that I love and respect and would never want to hurt. So I continue to do some soul searching and find out what really I am. I know this is all confusing but that is what is going on in me and has been for so long. I am confused, I want to show people the real me but who is that....instead I show them who I think they want me to be. I am a coward and a fake. I don't want to be that anymore, but how do I just up and change after 24 years of being this person?

I don't know really what to say or do. I started small...I have an opinion and I'm gonna say how I feel about things, like movies or music. If I don't like it I'm going to say it or vice versa. I guess I really don't know what else to say, I could continue to type what comes to my head, but I think that might get me in some trouble. So until I figure out just who I am, I don't think I'll talk about this subject again. L8ers

So this weekend should be fun

Tomorrow's my birthday, I'll be 24. I don't know if I can believe it. Surprisingly I'm really excited for it to be my birthday! Then on Saturday I'm moving to Ogden. I am way excited. I've got so much to do! For the first time in like a month I have my appetite back and I am finally tired at the right time of day.

I feel like maybe I've finally hit the bottom and able to start moving up toward the light. I've got so much to work on, and although it has really sucked the last little while it will get better. I have hope insight and I am going to have peace. It will be great. I really need it now. Anyway...moving on. Talk more later.

The Cold!

Well I didn't sleep again last night. It was okay cause I basically slept this whole weekend, for example I didn't even get up until 4:30 yesterday. That's in the afternoon! So I didn't go to sleep and I'm still pretty wide awake right now. On my morning bus commute, I get a txt, phone call and my mom calls saying I just received a call on my home phone from WSU saying that today is H1N1 flu shot today. I haven't been to scared about that whole thing. But I do have asthma, so my mom told me I should go. It's at another building across campus so I get off the bus early and hike up the hill. Well because it's so cold and I'm hiking, I start having an asthma attack. But of course I don't have an inhaler cause why would I be smart and carry one of those around with me for these occasions. I read the signs and I don't qualify to get a shot today, so that makes me even more upset cause now I'm having an asthma attack and it is all in vain. So I go wait for the shuttle bus to take me back to campus. Normally when I get off the bus I'm right in front of the building I want, nope on the shuttle bus I still have to walk almost as far as I was driven...and it's icy....and I just found out today my shoes have no traction. So I finally get inside and I'm still having a hard time breathing. I just tell myself to calm down and it'll be okay! We'll see. Today is just a continuation of this weekend I can tell, it's gonna suck!

I'm Moving Out!!!!

That's right I'm moving out. I am so excited, and it is much needed! I need this so bad. I love my family and things have been okay for the first part of the semester, but the more stress I feel at school I bring home with me and just want to lock myself up in my room and that is not what my family needs. They just don't understand what is going on in my life right now and I just need to step away. I love them a lot but I need to be on my own.

I've tried to talk about it, but it just doesn't work. I can't express what I'm feeling and they don't understand cause they've never felt this way and so I just need to do this on my own. That's all really! I guess this blog has really just turned into my venting blog and I'm kind of sad that people I know can read this but whatcha gonna do? Anyway homework is still looming and I need to do it so, ttfn!