Monday, January 18, 2010

Late Night and sick to my stomach

So It's 1 and I'm so sick to my stomach. This week has been such a whirl wind, I pretty much have no Idea who the Hell I am. I try to figure it out and I go down hill fast. With friends, with family, with my mental being and with my emotions. My ultimate goal is to be okay in my own skin that I don't need others in my life to make me feel okay. Yes they would be nice, but I can't seem to get past that. Why do I need others approval so bad? Or is that really it. I just want to feel needed, to feel like I'm needed. But it seems that I need it from specific people...people who really don't care. Oh sure they say they do, but in all honesty they don't. And the people who might really care are not who I want that attention from. My mind and logic are screwed up! I can't seem to get past the fact that I know that something in my mind is really screwed up....and for the life of me I can't figure out how to fix that.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Day one of School

So Spring semester started today...well technically yesterday cause it's 2 o'clock. It was such a hard day. I feel like I've been to Hell and back in the last 3 months. It's been a hard break and I was looking forward to school. Fall semester I started with such ambition and excitement and it's not there for me this time. I am excited to be in the program and be taking the next step but it's been a really hard year. Tough. So I just expected starting school to bring the same ambition. I guess I'll have to bring my own ambition. It didn't help that I felt like my friend didn't want me to come around, and that I say all the wrong things. I know I'm not supposed to be thinking like that but it really comes so naturally to see all my faults. People tell me don't look at the bad or down side of things. They don't understand that that is all I can see right now. I am trying, can't they see I'm struggling. No because I do my best to pretend things are perfect and I'm fine and if I give to much of a hint that it's been rough, I regret and try to cover up. It's been so hard.
2 of my roommates and I stayed up talking tonight. It was really good. I am glad that I've been open with them. I like being open, but It's hard cause I know with open and honesty give option for disappointment. Like today in Class, Steph asked me what ward I was attending.. in Riverton or here in Ogden. I told her neither and she like reprimanded me, not for serious but I could tell she was concerned. It's so hard to tell people. Cause I don't think they'll understand. I don't need to tell people, but then I feel like I have to explain my every move, to justify my actions. It's so complicated in my head. Sometimes I'm just overwhelmed. And there is no escaping my mind.
I constantly think about my Uncle Bryan. Why was it his time to go? What about his wife and children. He never got to meet Chris as an adult. Just as he was going to be reunited with him. I don't understand. Everything that I've been taught tells me he is there around me, along with GG and Pa Pa and Leon. But I don't see it anymore. My mom accused me of following Sandy's footsteps because I want her to like me or to do what she thinks brings happiness. She told me I seek attention, I have all my life. I do but it hurts to hear it from other people. To know that what bad things you think about yourself are in their minds too. That is hard to hear. She's my mom. I think that was the worst.
I feel like I'm doing to Laura, what I did to Charli in Wolfville. I hate that. I don't want a sequel. So I try backing off. Giving her space and just being there if she wants me to be. But then I think that is what I did with Charli. I hate that I am like this. Why do I complicate things so much. Why do I struggle with making lasting friendships. Why am I so screwed up. What is wrong with me, honestly. Why can't I seem to get things right. Is this just a forecast for the rest of my life....I'm going to be alone, unloved and leeching onto everyone who will give me half a glance, until I drive them all away one by one?

Saturday, January 2, 2010

It's not okay.

Everyone keeps telling me that it's going to be okay, your family loves you and they still will. I don't need people to tell me it's going to be okay. I just need a friend to let me complain. To just let me be there, I don't want to talk about it. I guess that is why I have a counselor. Even she tries to reassure me. Well It's not okay. I just want to be left alone. Is that to much to ask. I opened up and told my secret and now I just want to be left alone. That's all.