Sunday, December 27, 2009

Happy Christmas

So I got everything I wanted to for christmas this year...cause I bought everything :0). Christmas was good. I was scared but it turned out to be okay! Although it's going to be awkward and hard. I am finally going to be open and honest to everyone about everything. So this is one really weird christmas/new year Holiday!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

So far so good!

Well yesterday I woke up and got ready for the day...first time in a while that I got ready, doing my hair, make-up the works. I was really hoping that me and Laura could go to the movies but I wasn't going to let it get me down if she couldn't go. I also wasn't going to not go do something if she couldn't. So I went downtown Ogden and walked through the villages. It was a lot of fun. It got really cold but I enjoyed it anyway. Laura ended up not wanting to get together so I went and saw the Princess and the frog by myself. It was good. It was weird in the theater just sitting by myself, but I didn't let that get me down. It was a good day. Then this morning I woke up and consciously decided today would be good as well. I took an afternoon nap like an hour after I got up :). Then I was home alone.... So I decided I was going to go take pictures on campus. I am working on a music video thing and well lets just say it's a work in progress. So I took some pictures there and it was good. Cold, but again good. So that's my life right now. I am trying really hard to just live my life normally. To not make a big deal out of my choices right now, so that it isn't a big deal with my parents or friends. It's going good. I feel like I've finally got my footing and maybe I am going to go up from this point on. I hope so. I still feel like their is a dark pit in the bottom of my stomach....but it's not something I can't handle right now. I did do something rash and that is I sent Nick a msg on facebook....

December 19 at 1:06am
So I know this will come as kind of a random message, but I need to get it off my chest. First of all Hi, How are you? I hope that school is going well! I hope that you are doing well and that all your extracurricular activities haven't drained you too much! Okay now to the awkward stuff. There is no easy way to transition into this so I guess I'll just go with it. Nick I know that you know I liked you in High School and well I liked you a lot. I liked you after High school and even thought about a future that included us both...together. (I know your shocked right now ;) ) You went on your mission and that hypothetical future continued in my head. When you got home, things had changed...We both had changed and I didn't know if that future would ever happen. Then I left on my mission and came back and realized it was a lost cause. I haven't even talked to you in like 4 or 5 months which is beside the point. And Now with some recent decisions in my life I know that you and I will never work out. Nick you were one of my best friends not that long ago, and I want you to know that I really do cherish our friendship. I'm not expecting a response to this email, in fact I hope you don't. I also hope that things don't get weird between us because of it as well. You have always been nice to me and humored my attraction to you by letting me hang around you. That has meant a lot to me. I just really had to let you know that I'm over you and that I am glad to have been able to be your friend.
This past semester has been a really bad one for me... in fact, one of the worst times in my life. But because of the love of a teacher and her guiding hand, she's helped me work through a lot of crap. I took a look at my life and realized something very profound. I don't know who I am really. I really don't need to bore you with all the silly details, but in this self reflection I realized that the girl you would want for a spouse and who I am are total and complete opposites. I found myself a fraud and a liar and, well, have realized to be at peace with myself I have to be honest to one person...Me. I am not who you think I am and I know this email comes, like out of nowhere. But I felt that I needed to write you. I am sorry if it makes you feel uncomfortable, but I needed to do it for me. In short Nick I have always felt that I would never be good enough for you. You were always so far above me. And recently I've realized that while this is true it's not because of the reasons I had in high school or even during this summer, It goes a lot deeper and I am okay with that now. Your friendship means a lot to and that is enough. That is all really.
I'm again sorry for this email, and hey it might not even make sense so there is a bonus point for me. ;) Tell your family Hi and sorry for being a nuisance to them all these years as well. Good luck with school and with life. You are a great person and will go far, because you believe in yourself. Don't ever lose that!
Brittani ;0)

I know I've never done anything like to that degree. But i don't regret it. I feel like I can move on now. And I'm cool with that now. I also sent an email to Sandy telling her that I wasn't going to be bothering her anymore. Which I fully intend....okay I really want to follow through with. I feel like I was bothering her way to much. So I've stepped back and it just makes it a little easier that school is out and that she isn't on campus. So it helps. But I truly am going to try not to bug them much next semester. Laura is so great, but she doesn't want to do things with me a lot. So I'm not going to pressure her anymore. I enjoy spending time with them and I don't know how I'm going to get by without room 313. But I will get by cause I have a handle on things and I don't need to rely on anyone but myself. I can do this, I'm still seeking help from the counseling center and will continue to do so. I have felt a difference inside of me from going there and I will continue to do better. So I will do that. I want to not be a burden to people, but someone who is happy and fun to be around. I am going to strive for that very much this next semester. I guess that is my New Years resolution....a few weeks early, but to be happy and when things get tough and stressed then I will talk to my counselor and that is it. I want to trust Donna like I trust Sandy. That's all. Really. I need to send a letter to my parents, I will after Christmas, and to Erica and Charli. I don't think I will go farther than that. I feel I own them an explanation, but as much as gossip flys in Utah I'm sure telling them everyone will know in a short time. After all that then I can continue my journey to find myself and it will be a long journey but I know I'm on the right path this time.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Flash back to my mission.

So on my mission I almost got sent home because I hurt myself. I talk to a counselor over the phone and she said that I wasn't a threat, I only did it for attention. I was just thinking about that, why do I do things for attention.....CAUSE I NEED HELP AND IF I DON'T DO SOMETHING TO GET SOMEONE'S ATTENTION, NOBODY KNOWS I NEED HELP. That's all.
I went and talk to my counselor today. She thinks that the only thing I'm worried about is telling my family about taking a step back from the church and she thinks that once I do that then I will be fine. Well that is one thing that is really bothering me but not all of it. I wished I could have told her more. I have felt better taking a step back, but I don't feel safe in my own skin. I really do push people away. Or I just stop talking to them. I don't know what business I have going into teaching, I am a wreck and am not going to do well as a teacher. But what do I do now. I am sick of feeling this way. I guess my thought process is fake it now cause being depressed is not helping anyone, including me. So when I wake up tomorrow I am going to be a different person to everyone else. If inside I'm dying or hurting....NOONE WILL KNOW ABOUT IT...... ANYMORE.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

How come I try so hard to be happy and it doesn't keep.

So this weekend I was all alone and it was good. Things were great. I read and did some things that I've been meaning to do and it was good. Today I got to spend time with my roommate and that was fun. I even went to bed early but then woke up 3 ish hours later and haven't been able to go back to sleep. I hate feeling like this. I hate thinking that I shouldn't have done something. I hate who I am right now....and who I've been. I hate being alone. I want to talk to someone, someone who will understand. But Honestly there isn't anyone out there. I am alone and I just need to come to terms with that. I know there are people out there who will humor me and let me talk to them but they are just people who want to tell me what I feel and what they think I should do. They want to give me their advice and how they think that I should fix everything. Well I have news for you....I've tried to fix it, I've tried listening to everyone and doing what they tell me too. I've tried pushing everyone away, and when that didn't work then letting them all in and sharing what I feel. I regret everything. I had a break down like a week ago. I told my teacher I was finished. That I quit. I was so close too. She said things to make me feel better, but when we talked I focused on one aspect of what was bothering me, not on the bulk or even the biggest thing bothering me. I feel like I take advantage of her. Then she makes me feel stupid saying that I should give her more credit she's a smart lady, and she is. I guess I just want to push her away as well. I think if I push everyone away then I won't hurt as many people. I am going hiking tomorrow half of me wishes that something will happen so that I don't come back. I know that is horrible to say, but it's true. I hate who I am. I can do nothing right, I am a fake and a fraud and worthless and so far gone that there is no hope. I just want someone else to say it. Call it like it is. It bothers me that I make Laura upset. I don't want to talk about my self anymore around her. It hurt when Sandy said that I could have a picture with her but couldn't tag her in the photo. immediately I came home and untagged her from all the photos I had and deleted those pictures. I don't know why it hurt...Well I guess mostly I was mad at myself really that she had to put that disclaimer, because I have overstepped her comfort. I need to not post anymore, or anything like that of FB. I know that I have spent way to much time in her office and talking to her but I don't know what I would have done. I really don't want to do that next semester. I want to keep my distance and not feel like I have to depend on her so much. I am choking back the tears as I type this because I feel like that is what got me through this semester. But I have a counselor that I am seeing now, who gets paid to listen to my ranting and ravings and I don't need to bother Laura or Sandy anymore. I don't need to spend every waking moment on FB so that I can see if they are on or have posted anything. I need to be honest with my family and friends but if I don't say anything and slowly break away from them then it won't matter anyway. I hate when I get on FB and people leave me comments saying they have gone through the temple and are expecting me to be so excited for them. Or, they tell me that God has been so good to them and helped them through struggles or things like that. I don't know why he will help them and completely overlook me. What did I do to screw up so bad that I don't .... need help too. I just have to do something. I need to find a hobby or do something else with my time. I need something to distract me. I can't read anymore books, I am not motivated anymore and I can't focus on any movies or anything on tv. I have no appetite. I don't want to talk to my family about this cause I just don't. I want to sit in my room and take sleeping pills so that I won't have to acknowledge my sad excuse for a life. I shouldn't have said anything from the beginning. I shouldn't have shared my secret. I should have just kept going. If I would have caved because of it later on .... then so be it. But it wouldn't have been on Sandy's time. Then I wouldn't have wasted so much of her time or heard how she's worried about me. She wouldn't have felt like she needed to let me stay at her place that night. I should have not said anything that night, just had them drop me off at the front runner station and then done what I normally did. Why was I so stupid? No, why am I so stupid? So selfish? So many people out there have it so much worse than me and all I can think about is what is wrong with me?, why am I so stupid? Why can't I get anything right? Why do I need the approval of others so bad? What the hell is wrong with me? I hate myself. I wish I were dead. I wish I were gone and not hurting anymore, and therefore no one else would be worried about me or hurting because of my freakin' choices in life! I found out my dad is losing more hours at work which means that they are going to be struggling even more. I am such a problem for my family. I am a burden and truly not worth it. Because I moved out they are going to struggle even more. So that makes me think about moving back home, but mentally I can't take it, and I am losing it here, I can't do this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to just give it all up. It hurts so bad. I feel like I keep getting further and further into this hole, the more I yell for help the farther away the surface seems to get. The more I try to climb out the deeper I seem to dig myself in. I'm just waiting for the time someone comes along and buries me alive. I thought I was as far down as I could get...I keep thinking I can only go up from here and then I seem to fall even more under. I can't take it anymore. It's 4 30 in the morning and I am alone and I honestly don't feel like I can talk to anyone anymore. What is wrong with me. When is it going to be over? I want this constant dialogue in my head to end...I need it to end. I can't continue to be this pathetic anymore! Cause what is worth going on for? What really do I have to keep me going..........

Sunday, December 13, 2009


Today has been a great day, I've done absolutely nothing. Well I guess I've done stuff. I've read two books, and finished another project I had for me. I didn't get to hike like I wanted but I will do that this week. I liked having all this time to myself. It was invigorating. I know it's christmas break and it's family time, but I want my own time. So I like this. Me time.
Things are less stressful now that school is over. I don't have to worry about school and that is good. I still of other things stressing me out, but it's not so much today. I guess I like when I really have peace in my life even if it only comes in a few hours or one day in five months. It's been good! I like that.
Well That's all for now.