Saturday, November 28, 2009
Well I came up to Ogden so that I could get some much needed homework done by Monday. I've gotten lots done, but still have tonz to do. Well I am missing a family christmas party, a friends wedding reception, and a hangout with my friends night. I have no car, I have homework so it's not like I'm not doing something important and yet I feel like I'm letting people down. My mom told me that I'm not aloud to miss anymore family events. I am 24 years old. I can get busy possibly. I thought moving out would help with the whole, you are letting people down and your life is stretched out way to thin for even me to manage. So I took a break from homework after going nonstop for like 8 hours. I just went out walking, in Ogden, I ended up on a bus and then the next thing I know I'm bawling...on the city bus. Embarrassing! So I try to not look like I'm crying, lucky for me there weren't a lot of people. I really am trying to get my own space and not offend to many people in the process. I don't think that is going to happen though. All I can really say right now is Hmmmph!
Friday, November 27, 2009
So yesterday was Thanksgiving, I went home. It was good. It felt more like I was visiting, which is what I was doing. Sometimes I don't know what to say on this because I know that people I actually know will read it. Before this was like my venting session, but now I can't say things the way I really feel because I am afraid of how people would react.
I've recently gotten to the point where I want to find the real me. To not be doing things because someone else thinks I should, or feel a certain way because someone thinks I should, or believe or anything because of what other people think. It's hard cause that is what I have done for most of my life. I have made huge life changing choices because of what I feel other people think I should do or say or think. So now that I'm really trying to find myself it's hard to really find me, who I am and what I have an opinion about. It's even harder because I feel like what is right for me will let so many people down, so many people that I love and respect and would never want to hurt. So I continue to do some soul searching and find out what really I am. I know this is all confusing but that is what is going on in me and has been for so long. I am confused, I want to show people the real me but who is that....instead I show them who I think they want me to be. I am a coward and a fake. I don't want to be that anymore, but how do I just up and change after 24 years of being this person?
I don't know really what to say or do. I started small...I have an opinion and I'm gonna say how I feel about things, like movies or music. If I don't like it I'm going to say it or vice versa. I guess I really don't know what else to say, I could continue to type what comes to my head, but I think that might get me in some trouble. So until I figure out just who I am, I don't think I'll talk about this subject again. L8ers
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Tomorrow's my birthday, I'll be 24. I don't know if I can believe it. Surprisingly I'm really excited for it to be my birthday! Then on Saturday I'm moving to Ogden. I am way excited. I've got so much to do! For the first time in like a month I have my appetite back and I am finally tired at the right time of day.
I feel like maybe I've finally hit the bottom and able to start moving up toward the light. I've got so much to work on, and although it has really sucked the last little while it will get better. I have hope insight and I am going to have peace. It will be great. I really need it now. Anyway...moving on. Talk more later.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Well I didn't sleep again last night. It was okay cause I basically slept this whole weekend, for example I didn't even get up until 4:30 yesterday. That's in the afternoon! So I didn't go to sleep and I'm still pretty wide awake right now. On my morning bus commute, I get a txt, phone call and my mom calls saying I just received a call on my home phone from WSU saying that today is H1N1 flu shot today. I haven't been to scared about that whole thing. But I do have asthma, so my mom told me I should go. It's at another building across campus so I get off the bus early and hike up the hill. Well because it's so cold and I'm hiking, I start having an asthma attack. But of course I don't have an inhaler cause why would I be smart and carry one of those around with me for these occasions. I read the signs and I don't qualify to get a shot today, so that makes me even more upset cause now I'm having an asthma attack and it is all in vain. So I go wait for the shuttle bus to take me back to campus. Normally when I get off the bus I'm right in front of the building I want, nope on the shuttle bus I still have to walk almost as far as I was driven...and it's icy....and I just found out today my shoes have no traction. So I finally get inside and I'm still having a hard time breathing. I just tell myself to calm down and it'll be okay! We'll see. Today is just a continuation of this weekend I can tell, it's gonna suck!
Sunday, November 15, 2009
That's right I'm moving out. I am so excited, and it is much needed! I need this so bad. I love my family and things have been okay for the first part of the semester, but the more stress I feel at school I bring home with me and just want to lock myself up in my room and that is not what my family needs. They just don't understand what is going on in my life right now and I just need to step away. I love them a lot but I need to be on my own.
I've tried to talk about it, but it just doesn't work. I can't express what I'm feeling and they don't understand cause they've never felt this way and so I just need to do this on my own. That's all really! I guess this blog has really just turned into my venting blog and I'm kind of sad that people I know can read this but whatcha gonna do? Anyway homework is still looming and I need to do it so, ttfn!
Saturday, November 14, 2009
I've been sitting here all weekend just procrastinating my homework, which is not a small pile this time. I've got a test and lesson plans and spanish study and just so much. So much, in fact, that I don't want to do anything. There is zero motivation. Then I had an interview today that I went to and it was really good, but I don't know what to make of it yet. I guess I'll just have to wait till they call me this week. I am really trying to look at the good parts of my day/life, but I seem to just be making people unhappy and that isn't fun at all. I can't explain how that just magnifies inside me and I can't shake the feeling. Well, that really is all. I can't get it all out in words I just am trying so hard and I feel like it is getting better, but arghhh! I am just so at the end of my limit tonight.
Friday, November 13, 2009
So this has been a whirlwind of the last two weeks. I can honestly say that things are looking up now. I have a few weeks of the semester left and although they are going to be really stressful and I have a lot of homework to work on. I am going to be okay. I have met this amazing friend, her name is Laura. I absolutely love her. She makes me laugh and feel just so happy. Something else that makes where I am so much better. I have a teacher that knew I needed so help and she helped me. No specifics, but I don't think there is anything I could ever do for her to repay her. I hope that we can be friends for a very very long time. She makes me happy and makes me feel so important. I am so grateful for her and for the last two weeks. Even though school has kind of suffered over the last two weeks, I will get back into it and hopefully make the grades I need to. Life is hard, but we can get through it. Sometimes we will need help and we need to be humble enough to accept it. People do care about us and want us happy.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
I live in a world where I feel I have to be a certain person. I know people don't expect it, but I feel like I have to live up to other peoples standards. I served a mission for my church and since I've come back I feel like my best friend doesn't want to be around me anymore. She served and got home right before me, but I try to be myself around her and fail miserably. I love my family, but I have a wall up I don't want them to see that I'm struggling. To see that I am weak and that I need help. I am suffering from Depression and I thought I was doing well, but I have hit a new low and can't get out of it. I want to talk to someone about it, but see what that has done in the past. I seem to be such a hard friend, I guess I just want one of those true friends that when someone reciprocates friendship with me I go to far and to hard and then they run the other way. I don't want to get hurt again. I want to feel wanted and loved and needed, to feel like I can succeed and accomplish what I truly can do, to not think that I'm worthless or stupid. I want to feel like I mean something to my brother. I feel so judged. What is wrong with me? I know wrong thing to ask. But I can't help but think it right now. I want to know how I can change this feeling. What has happened to my facade? What did I do to mess it up? What has happened to my world? I know I want I need I must...I can't...! That is all. anyway I'm o
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Wow I really am hating homework today. I've been working on this paper that is due tomorrow for the last four days. Let's just say it's been a really hard struggle! I know that homework is only for our benefit and we are working to better ourselves and our own understanding, but please, I've written three papers, taken three tests, studied for another test and read the new york times so that I can maybe pass one of my quizzes on them! I'm going crazy I feel like my life is just spiraling out of whack! I have accomplished a whole bunch, and so I want to just be finished...but I won't cause I want to get good grades this semester! Anyway goodnight! That is all for now, my venting session is over! :)