So far so good!

Well yesterday I woke up and got ready for the day...first time in a while that I got ready, doing my hair, make-up the works. I was really hoping that me and Laura could go to the movies but I wasn't going to let it get me down if she couldn't go. I also wasn't going to not go do something if she couldn't. So I went downtown Ogden and walked through the villages. It was a lot of fun. It got really cold but I enjoyed it anyway. Laura ended up not wanting to get together so I went and saw the Princess and the frog by myself. It was good. It was weird in the theater just sitting by myself, but I didn't let that get me down. It was a good day. Then this morning I woke up and consciously decided today would be good as well. I took an afternoon nap like an hour after I got up :). Then I was home alone.... So I decided I was going to go take pictures on campus. I am working on a music video thing and well lets just say it's a work in progress. So I took some pictures there and it was good. Cold, but again good. So that's my life right now. I am trying really hard to just live my life normally. To not make a big deal out of my choices right now, so that it isn't a big deal with my parents or friends. It's going good. I feel like I've finally got my footing and maybe I am going to go up from this point on. I hope so. I still feel like their is a dark pit in the bottom of my stomach....but it's not something I can't handle right now. I did do something rash and that is I sent Nick a msg on facebook....

December 19 at 1:06am
So I know this will come as kind of a random message, but I need to get it off my chest. First of all Hi, How are you? I hope that school is going well! I hope that you are doing well and that all your extracurricular activities haven't drained you too much! Okay now to the awkward stuff. There is no easy way to transition into this so I guess I'll just go with it. Nick I know that you know I liked you in High School and well I liked you a lot. I liked you after High school and even thought about a future that included us both...together. (I know your shocked right now ;) ) You went on your mission and that hypothetical future continued in my head. When you got home, things had changed...We both had changed and I didn't know if that future would ever happen. Then I left on my mission and came back and realized it was a lost cause. I haven't even talked to you in like 4 or 5 months which is beside the point. And Now with some recent decisions in my life I know that you and I will never work out. Nick you were one of my best friends not that long ago, and I want you to know that I really do cherish our friendship. I'm not expecting a response to this email, in fact I hope you don't. I also hope that things don't get weird between us because of it as well. You have always been nice to me and humored my attraction to you by letting me hang around you. That has meant a lot to me. I just really had to let you know that I'm over you and that I am glad to have been able to be your friend.
This past semester has been a really bad one for me... in fact, one of the worst times in my life. But because of the love of a teacher and her guiding hand, she's helped me work through a lot of crap. I took a look at my life and realized something very profound. I don't know who I am really. I really don't need to bore you with all the silly details, but in this self reflection I realized that the girl you would want for a spouse and who I am are total and complete opposites. I found myself a fraud and a liar and, well, have realized to be at peace with myself I have to be honest to one person...Me. I am not who you think I am and I know this email comes, like out of nowhere. But I felt that I needed to write you. I am sorry if it makes you feel uncomfortable, but I needed to do it for me. In short Nick I have always felt that I would never be good enough for you. You were always so far above me. And recently I've realized that while this is true it's not because of the reasons I had in high school or even during this summer, It goes a lot deeper and I am okay with that now. Your friendship means a lot to and that is enough. That is all really.
I'm again sorry for this email, and hey it might not even make sense so there is a bonus point for me. ;) Tell your family Hi and sorry for being a nuisance to them all these years as well. Good luck with school and with life. You are a great person and will go far, because you believe in yourself. Don't ever lose that!
Brittani ;0)

I know I've never done anything like to that degree. But i don't regret it. I feel like I can move on now. And I'm cool with that now. I also sent an email to Sandy telling her that I wasn't going to be bothering her anymore. Which I fully intend....okay I really want to follow through with. I feel like I was bothering her way to much. So I've stepped back and it just makes it a little easier that school is out and that she isn't on campus. So it helps. But I truly am going to try not to bug them much next semester. Laura is so great, but she doesn't want to do things with me a lot. So I'm not going to pressure her anymore. I enjoy spending time with them and I don't know how I'm going to get by without room 313. But I will get by cause I have a handle on things and I don't need to rely on anyone but myself. I can do this, I'm still seeking help from the counseling center and will continue to do so. I have felt a difference inside of me from going there and I will continue to do better. So I will do that. I want to not be a burden to people, but someone who is happy and fun to be around. I am going to strive for that very much this next semester. I guess that is my New Years resolution....a few weeks early, but to be happy and when things get tough and stressed then I will talk to my counselor and that is it. I want to trust Donna like I trust Sandy. That's all. Really. I need to send a letter to my parents, I will after Christmas, and to Erica and Charli. I don't think I will go farther than that. I feel I own them an explanation, but as much as gossip flys in Utah I'm sure telling them everyone will know in a short time. After all that then I can continue my journey to find myself and it will be a long journey but I know I'm on the right path this time.