How come I try so hard to be happy and it doesn't keep.

So this weekend I was all alone and it was good. Things were great. I read and did some things that I've been meaning to do and it was good. Today I got to spend time with my roommate and that was fun. I even went to bed early but then woke up 3 ish hours later and haven't been able to go back to sleep. I hate feeling like this. I hate thinking that I shouldn't have done something. I hate who I am right now....and who I've been. I hate being alone. I want to talk to someone, someone who will understand. But Honestly there isn't anyone out there. I am alone and I just need to come to terms with that. I know there are people out there who will humor me and let me talk to them but they are just people who want to tell me what I feel and what they think I should do. They want to give me their advice and how they think that I should fix everything. Well I have news for you....I've tried to fix it, I've tried listening to everyone and doing what they tell me too. I've tried pushing everyone away, and when that didn't work then letting them all in and sharing what I feel. I regret everything. I had a break down like a week ago. I told my teacher I was finished. That I quit. I was so close too. She said things to make me feel better, but when we talked I focused on one aspect of what was bothering me, not on the bulk or even the biggest thing bothering me. I feel like I take advantage of her. Then she makes me feel stupid saying that I should give her more credit she's a smart lady, and she is. I guess I just want to push her away as well. I think if I push everyone away then I won't hurt as many people. I am going hiking tomorrow half of me wishes that something will happen so that I don't come back. I know that is horrible to say, but it's true. I hate who I am. I can do nothing right, I am a fake and a fraud and worthless and so far gone that there is no hope. I just want someone else to say it. Call it like it is. It bothers me that I make Laura upset. I don't want to talk about my self anymore around her. It hurt when Sandy said that I could have a picture with her but couldn't tag her in the photo. immediately I came home and untagged her from all the photos I had and deleted those pictures. I don't know why it hurt...Well I guess mostly I was mad at myself really that she had to put that disclaimer, because I have overstepped her comfort. I need to not post anymore, or anything like that of FB. I know that I have spent way to much time in her office and talking to her but I don't know what I would have done. I really don't want to do that next semester. I want to keep my distance and not feel like I have to depend on her so much. I am choking back the tears as I type this because I feel like that is what got me through this semester. But I have a counselor that I am seeing now, who gets paid to listen to my ranting and ravings and I don't need to bother Laura or Sandy anymore. I don't need to spend every waking moment on FB so that I can see if they are on or have posted anything. I need to be honest with my family and friends but if I don't say anything and slowly break away from them then it won't matter anyway. I hate when I get on FB and people leave me comments saying they have gone through the temple and are expecting me to be so excited for them. Or, they tell me that God has been so good to them and helped them through struggles or things like that. I don't know why he will help them and completely overlook me. What did I do to screw up so bad that I don't .... need help too. I just have to do something. I need to find a hobby or do something else with my time. I need something to distract me. I can't read anymore books, I am not motivated anymore and I can't focus on any movies or anything on tv. I have no appetite. I don't want to talk to my family about this cause I just don't. I want to sit in my room and take sleeping pills so that I won't have to acknowledge my sad excuse for a life. I shouldn't have said anything from the beginning. I shouldn't have shared my secret. I should have just kept going. If I would have caved because of it later on .... then so be it. But it wouldn't have been on Sandy's time. Then I wouldn't have wasted so much of her time or heard how she's worried about me. She wouldn't have felt like she needed to let me stay at her place that night. I should have not said anything that night, just had them drop me off at the front runner station and then done what I normally did. Why was I so stupid? No, why am I so stupid? So selfish? So many people out there have it so much worse than me and all I can think about is what is wrong with me?, why am I so stupid? Why can't I get anything right? Why do I need the approval of others so bad? What the hell is wrong with me? I hate myself. I wish I were dead. I wish I were gone and not hurting anymore, and therefore no one else would be worried about me or hurting because of my freakin' choices in life! I found out my dad is losing more hours at work which means that they are going to be struggling even more. I am such a problem for my family. I am a burden and truly not worth it. Because I moved out they are going to struggle even more. So that makes me think about moving back home, but mentally I can't take it, and I am losing it here, I can't do this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to just give it all up. It hurts so bad. I feel like I keep getting further and further into this hole, the more I yell for help the farther away the surface seems to get. The more I try to climb out the deeper I seem to dig myself in. I'm just waiting for the time someone comes along and buries me alive. I thought I was as far down as I could get...I keep thinking I can only go up from here and then I seem to fall even more under. I can't take it anymore. It's 4 30 in the morning and I am alone and I honestly don't feel like I can talk to anyone anymore. What is wrong with me. When is it going to be over? I want this constant dialogue in my head to end...I need it to end. I can't continue to be this pathetic anymore! Cause what is worth going on for? What really do I have to keep me going..........