Wow I can't believe this day has come!

So It's my birthday, it is a special day for me. But a year ago today I was not in a good place and made some decisions as I was trying to find myself that lead me down a path that wasn't good. I look at myself today and who I was then and am so grateful for the strength I've found, for the amazing friends that I have and constantly support me. I am grateful for my parents who even though I was acting very childish, rude and hurtful; still supported me and showed their unconditional love for me through it all. I am so grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life, and though I questioned it for awhile and needed to find my testimony...yet again, was able to find the same truths still there and a savior who is always waiting for me to come to him! I am grateful for the rainbows after the storms in my life, showing me all that I've learned in those dark times. I am also so grateful for the education I'm receiving so that I can help children build a foundation in their lives and brighten their future. I am grateful for so many more things than I can possible name. I love that even though I will continue to have rough patches on this road of life, I will be able to get through it! I can do hard things, Through Christ I Can! I am sorry I have not been the example that I should have been, but I have learned so much through the last year, especially the last two or three months and I'd never change what I've gained from it. I guess I just felt like I needed to share that.
As I sat in the temple today waiting to watch my dear mission companion get married, I felt this realization of all that transpired this year and all that I've learned and how grateful I was able to be at the temple today to share this special day with her! What an amazing knowledge to know I'm a daughter of God, to know I have a Father who loves me and I truly feel that more and more each day!
Although at times I get discouraged about the future, I remember he loves me and wants me to be happy and if this is something I have to go through to prepare myself for the future, than I can do it!
It has been a great day! I am so happy I didn't follow through with actions I planned in the spring, I am glad I had a friend whose amazing spirit helped me see what I needed to do, for a priesthood blessing and for another chance...a chance to make it to today, to my 25th birthday, a wonderful day filled with happiness and love. Steph thanks! I am so blessed to have you as my friend!
Okay so I think that's enough! Good night world!

Happy Halloween

The perks of being an elementary school teacher, getting to dress up. To quote a professor, sometimes we just have to put on our sequins and show up. Well I just put on my straw and continued to pick it up for the rest of the day.. so much fun!

I didn't think I could love 2nd graders as much as I do!

My field experience is amazing, I have taught everyday I've been there except twice. That's a lot! Although it is a huge amount of work, it is making me feel like I really did choose the right profession and I might actually do ok in this field. I have some funny true stories that I wanted to share.

First, I work at Sam's club as a Tobacco Cashier, not my first choice but I need the money. So the afternoon after my first "official" day in field work one of the students in my rotation period saw me at the tobacco desk. I recognized him, could remember his name but smiled. Then on Monday (the beginning of red ribbon week) he walks into class, walks straight up to me so that there is maybe a ruler space between us and says in a very serious face..."do you smoke?" All I could think is great, this is the impression I want my second graders to see.

Later on that week we were to wear our favorite jersey or team t-shirt so I wore my "I bleed Purple" WSU shirt. I had finished teaching my lesson and again my rotation kids were coming in and I could here behind me as I erased the white board...'dude she bleeds purple, hey you guys she bleeds purple.' I walked back to the back where my back pack was and I hear the student say 'Miss Johnson, if you bleed purple....maybe you have cancer.' I laughed so hard! I told him I would have to get that checked!

I think the best things that have happened while I've been in the school so far is 1) I get there when my class is at lunch and if it's a nice day they sit out on the grass and as I walk up all the kids run to me and give me hugs! I love that so much! 2) Seeing one of my students receive a bike helmet as a contest winner and he was so excited, "I am so happy I think I might pop" were his exact words. Made me happy! 3) An adorable little boy in my class drawing me a picture and being among the many girls to run and give me hugs. He is so adorable and it makes me happy to know even some boys like me too, even if he is only 7.

I do have hard students that get off task or don't pay attention, but I've been applying the things I've learn from great professors and shockingly they have worked. I love ASR, it truly does work. Some thing else that works is recognizing when they are doing what they are supposed to be doing.

I got to go to the Halloween party and my kids danced and decorated cookies and colored halloween decorations, it was so fun. I am so sad that In a few weeks the semester will end and I won't be able to go to their class anymore, I don't know how I'm going to be able to say goodbye to students every year, only to get attached to another group again. But I know this is where I'm supposed to be even if it's hard. I love my students!

Field Experience

So today I start my five week field experience in an elementary school in Ogden. I am so excited. I love this part of the semester, because it's actually getting in the classroom and doing something with what I've been learning and 'hypothetically' doing in my college courses. I'm excited to get to know all the little students and see them grow! OH, I love this profession. Lets see what I think about it after my lessons :o).
I also have made head way in starting my senior synthesis service project. I am making hats, blankets, headbands, and other craft items for primary children's hospital. I was inspired to do this because I made a baby blanket for a dear professor who had her baby over the summer and a cute little hat for her other little girl. I decided that I could do that for kids at the hospital who need a little cheering up, and homemade gifts are the best...at least I like them. I'm way excited to get started and finish this project before student teaching in the spring, cause I think I'm going to busy enough with just that!!!! I will post pictures of my progress over the next couple of months.
Well gotta get to my homework cause today is going to be a busy day. :o)

Learning from others...

Inspired by President Monson. Okay a few weeks ago my church had a women's broadcast, at this broadcast President Monson got up and spoke specifically of charity, loving others and not judging. This truly hit me hard on two specific points in my life. So I've been really trying to change my attitude about people and it has helped a lot. I have found patience and brotherly kindness are much easier when I have a more loving attitude toward them. (It's so funny how that happens).
So I've been holding a grudge against someone. She didn't hurt me, but she has treated my sister poorly for many years. At first I thought it was all in my sisters head. I thought she was just insecure at a young age, but as I've been able to work in the young women's program in my home ward I've seen how wrong I was. I always looked the other way wondering why this person treated me so differently than she treated my sister. It was like she was two-faced. It got me wondering which one of these 'faces' was her true self. Was it the one that was an excellent student, friend to all, kind, and willing to do service for anyone; or was it the one who always seemed to put herself above others, because she was better than everyone else? Never wanting to be associated my sister outside of church to the point of alienation at school or out in public? Making snide comments behind her back and starting rumors that have very little truth if any? This person had always been beautiful in my eyes, both in looks and personality. As I saw this other 'face' she had she looked more and more like the "popular" girls in high school...'fake'.
This seems random to be placed in the same post as President Monson's talk but I promise I have a point (maybe not a good one, but I do have one non-the-less). What I have learned from this person is that I don't want to be perceived as fake. I want to honestly not judge people and love them for who they are, a child of god. But...but I also want to show my family how much them mean to me by defending them. In the last couple of years the way I've felt about family has changed. They are more important to me than friends who come and go throughout life (although I do have some friends that truly are family in my heart :o}).
So the true colors of this person, who has been like a little sister to me, have shown through and I'm glad that my sister is my sister. She teaches me so much about love and patience and enduring crappy circumstances. She still tries to get along with this person even though she makes it a point to make Hannah look stupid or ugly or not talented, but when other people are around, her generous, friend-to-all face comes on and she fools everyone. Well I'm not fooled anymore. And I won't stand for it anymore either, my sister is my best friend and if anyone hurts her I take it personally. I will try to follow President Monson's counsel and not judge others by loving them as God would. I will try to not gossip, because I know that it hurts others. And I will defend others, in a loving way, when they are being talked about behind their back.
So to this girl who has deliberately hurt my sister, I hope that you will have a change of heart and take Presidents counsel to heart as well. Remember that we all are children of God. And remember whose eyes you want to be beautiful in...the worlds or Gods?


You can read President Monson's talk at
http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1298-39,00.html

Ok it's been a while.

Lets see where to start. I started working in June, there went all my free time (what free time?) Exactly! Finished out the summer semester. Passed Trig (whew). Started Level 3 and have been running around with my head chopped off since august 28th. But Honestly it's been a good semester. Starting field experience this week, I've already had my student teaching interview and Spring Semester is going to come and fly so fast, but be the longest semester of my life....I just know it! Anywho it's gonna be fun. Well I better get to bed cause my 8:30 class is going to come fast!
I'll update more later....
I think that I'll just say one more thing,

Life truly is about choices and our attitude or reaction to what happens to us is definitely a choice, Our Attitude can make or break a situation. Pres. Jacobsen I think I'm gonna borrow that motto for a little bit longer.
"ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING"

It seems like I only post when life is feeling crappy!

So tonight Steph, Sarah, and I went to dinner and a movie (Shrek ever after). It was cute. I've been feeling in a rut and well didn't want to go. I felt like I've been letting people down again. There is so much that is going on in my head but I'm so tired that i'll have to write more tomorrow. good night for now.

Oakcrest Dreams

So It's that time of year...Oakcrest training time. I guess because of that I've been dreaming about not working there. Both dreams that I can remember so far have had Pickles in it. Also in both i've felt a sense of disappointment that I wasn't going to be up there. I guess it's my own fault, but still it hurts. I also tried to txt pickles to see when friends and family night was, she replied but then when I asked her what was going on, she didn't. I feel like we've definitely have drifted apart, and that makes me sad. That was the one thing I didn't want to happen, the one thing I feared, but I guess I knew could and probably would happen.

Dreams

So lately I've been having these dreams. Just random dreams but I want to write them down cause, well, I do. The first one was a couple of months ago.

I was starting work at Peterson's or a grocery store like it. I was sweeping, the store and Sandy was like the night manager after her classes at Weber. I was going down aisle's making sure that everything was ready to close. On the scrapbook Aisle she came up and asked me to clean the bathroom. It was disgusting....so disgusting. But I wanted to impress her so I did my best and cleaned the sink and garbage and then she came in and told me time to go home. I told her I wasn't done but that I promised to do it in the morning. I felt such a need for her to be pleased with my work.

Last night I dreamt I was going on a trip, all my dad's family was there we were flying and then all the sudden we were on a boat. I was holding Aunt Joelene's son...I don't know who he was supposed to represent but he was her baby (5 or 6 months old). Sandy was there, she tried to talk to me. She was walking across the hallway and saw me further down the hall and said something. I just glared at her, and then turned to the baby. She tried to talk to me again and I glared at her again. I wanted her to know I was mad at her. She walked over and tried again to talk to me, "he's cute" she said. I said yep he is and walked away. Her daughter was there too, she was down on the lower section at the party thing music was blaring. I saw her once but she didn't really say much. Just like in real life.

I don't understand why I dream about them so much. I do want her (Sandy) to know it hurt. The fake empathy, everything. I want her to care, to want to do stuff with me, to want to talk with me, but the thing is she doesn't and so I've just got to get over it.

Late Night and sick to my stomach

So It's 1 and I'm so sick to my stomach. This week has been such a whirl wind, I pretty much have no Idea who the Hell I am. I try to figure it out and I go down hill fast. With friends, with family, with my mental being and with my emotions. My ultimate goal is to be okay in my own skin that I don't need others in my life to make me feel okay. Yes they would be nice, but I can't seem to get past that. Why do I need others approval so bad? Or is that really it. I just want to feel needed, to feel like I'm needed. But it seems that I need it from specific people...people who really don't care. Oh sure they say they do, but in all honesty they don't. And the people who might really care are not who I want that attention from. My mind and logic are screwed up! I can't seem to get past the fact that I know that something in my mind is really screwed up....and for the life of me I can't figure out how to fix that.

Day one of School

So Spring semester started today...well technically yesterday cause it's 2 o'clock. It was such a hard day. I feel like I've been to Hell and back in the last 3 months. It's been a hard break and I was looking forward to school. Fall semester I started with such ambition and excitement and it's not there for me this time. I am excited to be in the program and be taking the next step but it's been a really hard year. Tough. So I just expected starting school to bring the same ambition. I guess I'll have to bring my own ambition. It didn't help that I felt like my friend didn't want me to come around, and that I say all the wrong things. I know I'm not supposed to be thinking like that but it really comes so naturally to see all my faults. People tell me don't look at the bad or down side of things. They don't understand that that is all I can see right now. I am trying, can't they see I'm struggling. No because I do my best to pretend things are perfect and I'm fine and if I give to much of a hint that it's been rough, I regret and try to cover up. It's been so hard.
2 of my roommates and I stayed up talking tonight. It was really good. I am glad that I've been open with them. I like being open, but It's hard cause I know with open and honesty give option for disappointment. Like today in Class, Steph asked me what ward I was attending.. in Riverton or here in Ogden. I told her neither and she like reprimanded me, not for serious but I could tell she was concerned. It's so hard to tell people. Cause I don't think they'll understand. I don't need to tell people, but then I feel like I have to explain my every move, to justify my actions. It's so complicated in my head. Sometimes I'm just overwhelmed. And there is no escaping my mind.
I constantly think about my Uncle Bryan. Why was it his time to go? What about his wife and children. He never got to meet Chris as an adult. Just as he was going to be reunited with him. I don't understand. Everything that I've been taught tells me he is there around me, along with GG and Pa Pa and Leon. But I don't see it anymore. My mom accused me of following Sandy's footsteps because I want her to like me or to do what she thinks brings happiness. She told me I seek attention, I have all my life. I do but it hurts to hear it from other people. To know that what bad things you think about yourself are in their minds too. That is hard to hear. She's my mom. I think that was the worst.
I feel like I'm doing to Laura, what I did to Charli in Wolfville. I hate that. I don't want a sequel. So I try backing off. Giving her space and just being there if she wants me to be. But then I think that is what I did with Charli. I hate that I am like this. Why do I complicate things so much. Why do I struggle with making lasting friendships. Why am I so screwed up. What is wrong with me, honestly. Why can't I seem to get things right. Is this just a forecast for the rest of my life....I'm going to be alone, unloved and leeching onto everyone who will give me half a glance, until I drive them all away one by one?

It's not okay.

Everyone keeps telling me that it's going to be okay, your family loves you and they still will. I don't need people to tell me it's going to be okay. I just need a friend to let me complain. To just let me be there, I don't want to talk about it. I guess that is why I have a counselor. Even she tries to reassure me. Well It's not okay. I just want to be left alone. Is that to much to ask. I opened up and told my secret and now I just want to be left alone. That's all.