The things I want to say, but never can.

I live in a world where I feel I have to be a certain person. I know people don't expect it, but I feel like I have to live up to other peoples standards. I served a mission for my church and since I've come back I feel like my best friend doesn't want to be around me anymore. She served and got home right before me, but I try to be myself around her and fail miserably. I love my family, but I have a wall up I don't want them to see that I'm struggling. To see that I am weak and that I need help. I am suffering from Depression and I thought I was doing well, but I have hit a new low and can't get out of it. I want to talk to someone about it, but see what that has done in the past. I seem to be such a hard friend, I guess I just want one of those true friends that when someone reciprocates friendship with me I go to far and to hard and then they run the other way. I don't want to get hurt again. I want to feel wanted and loved and needed, to feel like I can succeed and accomplish what I truly can do, to not think that I'm worthless or stupid. I want to feel like I mean something to my brother. I feel so judged. What is wrong with me? I know wrong thing to ask. But I can't help but think it right now. I want to know how I can change this feeling. What has happened to my facade? What did I do to mess it up? What has happened to my world? I know I want I need I must...I can't...! That is all. anyway I'm o

Homework.. I didn't like it in High School and I don't like it now!

Wow I really am hating homework today. I've been working on this paper that is due tomorrow for the last four days. Let's just say it's been a really hard struggle! I know that homework is only for our benefit and we are working to better ourselves and our own understanding, but please, I've written three papers, taken three tests, studied for another test and read the new york times so that I can maybe pass one of my quizzes on them! I'm going crazy I feel like my life is just spiraling out of whack! I have accomplished a whole bunch, and so I want to just be finished...but I won't cause I want to get good grades this semester! Anyway goodnight! That is all for now, my venting session is over! :)

Happy Halloween!

This week has been crazy! I've not been sleeping well, so last night I went for a drive. Okay so it was this morning at like 3am. I just had to get out and go. Everyone in my house was snoozing and nobody I know stays up that late so there was no calling anyone. I just left with the music blaring. I left for a few hours and It was great, the night was so peaceful. I was warm in my car and It felt good to just go.

Anyway, It's halloween and I'm home and not doing anything tonight, fun that is. I've got a million things to do for school two nope I mean three papers. One test to study for and I'm going crazy. Literally. That is all. I guess.

I hadn't been on in a while so I figured I needed to update me on my life!

The Little Things

So I was driving my sister to school yesterday and as we were driving down our street I saw the mountains in front of us with the clouds just hanging around the peak and the clouds were formed and billowing and just gorgeous and then in a divide of the mountains the sun comes through just under the clouds. Oh it was beautiful!! I don't know if I described it right but it was so beautiful. I missed those kind of mornings in Canada. They don't have Mountains in Eastern Canada. They try to make you believe they do, but all they have are hills.
Well after my beautiful morning scene, I drove up to WSU for Spanish Class and then to the dentist for what was supposed to be a really minor fix. Then he added two more fillings onto that when he found two cavities. It was great. I left with my whole left side numb. I couldn't feel my ear! I came home and took what was supposed to be an hour nap. Yeah I woke up four hours later. I guess I was a little tired. :) Well then I couldn't sleep last night oops. Now I am so tired today. I will sleep tonight! Well I'm off to catch my second bus.

Life is good!

So last friday I was able to go to my first mission reunion. It was great to see so many friends that I made! It was great to see my mission president again as well. But it wasn't complete. One of my best-est friends wasn't there. I have a companion who is still serving, she gets home in 15 days. I can not wait for her to get home! I talked to her tonight and I've forgotten how much she makes me laugh. I feel like I'm a better person when I'm around her. Well that's really all I wanted to say...just how much I miss her. She's so awesome. That's all!

These Pictures are some of the fun ones we had! (which we had a few) the top one is on Christmas day and we were getting ready to talk to our families. That is my most favorite picture of us!!! Next is at Sisters training. We stayed up late talking and then had a treat... turtles. Can you see the string of carmel to her mouth? Cool huh! Then the bottom is when we were going to a District

Meeting and we wanted to wear

ties too! Fun Fun Fun :)!