The things I want to say, but never can.

I live in a world where I feel I have to be a certain person. I know people don't expect it, but I feel like I have to live up to other peoples standards. I served a mission for my church and since I've come back I feel like my best friend doesn't want to be around me anymore. She served and got home right before me, but I try to be myself around her and fail miserably. I love my family, but I have a wall up I don't want them to see that I'm struggling. To see that I am weak and that I need help. I am suffering from Depression and I thought I was doing well, but I have hit a new low and can't get out of it. I want to talk to someone about it, but see what that has done in the past. I seem to be such a hard friend, I guess I just want one of those true friends that when someone reciprocates friendship with me I go to far and to hard and then they run the other way. I don't want to get hurt again. I want to feel wanted and loved and needed, to feel like I can succeed and accomplish what I truly can do, to not think that I'm worthless or stupid. I want to feel like I mean something to my brother. I feel so judged. What is wrong with me? I know wrong thing to ask. But I can't help but think it right now. I want to know how I can change this feeling. What has happened to my facade? What did I do to mess it up? What has happened to my world? I know I want I need I must...I can't...! That is all. anyway I'm o