Speaking of Crazy

So I've been told by many people that staying up late causes me to act crazy.  Well it's 4 in the morning and I guess I'm acting crazy.

Ok so I'm anti social....I get that.  I have a hard time getting out and doing things with others.  I have really been bad the last couple of years.  Another name... I'm just 'lazy'.

I know others look down on me for it.
I know this because of looks...
comments...
gossip that gets back to me...
genuine conversations...

sooooo great isn't it.

I've been really trying to work on my short comings, one of them being 'being too hard on myself'.

I have tried and failed miserable to do just that.

Well I've recently just re-opened a whole can of worms that causes me to very much be very hard on myself.  Mostly because I am ashamed.  Ashamed of my actions and ashamed of my aka laziness.

I've been running through this scenario in my head brooding over shelling out too much information.  It usually takes a lot to get me to share information.

A lot
...of time, as in time that I've known them and really trusted them
...more exposure to all that is...ME
...of testing the ground to see what shocks them
...more of thinking about what I'm going to say, how I'm going to drop a small simple little past 'bomb'
            ...then seeing how they react to me in the dayz, weekz, monthz that follow before sharing more.

Yet I 'word vomited' a whole deep part of past mistakes (not all, cause there are some deep seeded wounds I've inflicted upon myself...ones I'm not ready to uncover or share...possible will never be able to share)  and spoke of personal feelings and thoughts that is causing me a lot of anxiety, regret.

Anyway back to my initial thought, I have really been trying to be more social.  Especially with people I was close with in the past.  I hesitate because if I let them see who I am now or who I have been since I was a big part of their life.  I'm scared of what action they'll take toward me.  Like walking away, proving that I am not worth it.

I have been a horrible person. Okay a horrible person according to my irrational reasoning.  For I'm the only one that is judged by this extremely high standard...no one else.

So every time there is a get together or someone calling me on my phone, I have this inner struggle to go or to come up with an excuse...to answer or ignore.

And then I feel like more of a horrible person...thus the cycle continues.

So maybe they are right I am acting crazy... would a normal person be up this late randomly blogging about this crap ... ?

Guess that's my cue to sign off and go to bed. Night.