Um, Personal Reflection

So today I was giving out some Christmas presents that I had for some good friends and family. I don't know what it was but as I was driving to two houses, specifically, I start having anxiety. I don't know if anyone else has this but I really care so much about what other people think of me and I strive so hard to have people like me, I may look like I have it all together and can do anything, but really I am so weak. As I drove down the neighborhood street my stomach started doing flips. In my head I start telling me to calm down, quit making a big deal out of this. I'm just visiting family. They love me, right. So I pulled up to their house and looked at the Christmas Lights covering their home... there was a warmness that calmed my nerves, only a little. I don't understand why I get that way. Well, I guess I do, I get that way when I feel like I've shared more of me than I feel people want to have shared with them. Then seeing them face to face, it's hard.

So I've in the last few weeks shared bits and pieces of me, and in doing so I've had to take off layers, layers that hide past mistakes. Some mistakes that are not so in the past. Layers that have taken so much energy to put up and hide pain inside. When I've shared these things, I've taken a big risk and taken down some layers to evaluate myself. Instead of putting them right back up and continuing on as I've been doing, I've continued to evaluate. I don't like what I've found and I think that's why I was so nervous going to my families house. I think that It's because when I evaluate myself and not like what I see, I am so afraid others are seeing that negative aspect of me too, and they also will not like what they see.

I feel like I talk in circles, especially in my blog posts. You can definitely tell I'm not an English major. I'm not particularly good at articulating verbally either. I wish I could express myself better. Anyway, things were fine, I went in and gave my presents. How I love this family and wish that I showed my appreciation better to them throughout my past. I hope that I will in the future.

Christmas Eve is tomorrow and I am excited to be spending time with my family. <3