Happy Christmas

So I got everything I wanted to for christmas this year...cause I bought everything :0). Christmas was good. I was scared but it turned out to be okay! Although it's going to be awkward and hard. I am finally going to be open and honest to everyone about everything. So this is one really weird christmas/new year Holiday!

So far so good!

Well yesterday I woke up and got ready for the day...first time in a while that I got ready, doing my hair, make-up the works. I was really hoping that me and Laura could go to the movies but I wasn't going to let it get me down if she couldn't go. I also wasn't going to not go do something if she couldn't. So I went downtown Ogden and walked through the villages. It was a lot of fun. It got really cold but I enjoyed it anyway. Laura ended up not wanting to get together so I went and saw the Princess and the frog by myself. It was good. It was weird in the theater just sitting by myself, but I didn't let that get me down. It was a good day. Then this morning I woke up and consciously decided today would be good as well. I took an afternoon nap like an hour after I got up :). Then I was home alone.... So I decided I was going to go take pictures on campus. I am working on a music video thing and well lets just say it's a work in progress. So I took some pictures there and it was good. Cold, but again good. So that's my life right now. I am trying really hard to just live my life normally. To not make a big deal out of my choices right now, so that it isn't a big deal with my parents or friends. It's going good. I feel like I've finally got my footing and maybe I am going to go up from this point on. I hope so. I still feel like their is a dark pit in the bottom of my stomach....but it's not something I can't handle right now. I did do something rash and that is I sent Nick a msg on facebook....

December 19 at 1:06am
So I know this will come as kind of a random message, but I need to get it off my chest. First of all Hi, How are you? I hope that school is going well! I hope that you are doing well and that all your extracurricular activities haven't drained you too much! Okay now to the awkward stuff. There is no easy way to transition into this so I guess I'll just go with it. Nick I know that you know I liked you in High School and well I liked you a lot. I liked you after High school and even thought about a future that included us both...together. (I know your shocked right now ;) ) You went on your mission and that hypothetical future continued in my head. When you got home, things had changed...We both had changed and I didn't know if that future would ever happen. Then I left on my mission and came back and realized it was a lost cause. I haven't even talked to you in like 4 or 5 months which is beside the point. And Now with some recent decisions in my life I know that you and I will never work out. Nick you were one of my best friends not that long ago, and I want you to know that I really do cherish our friendship. I'm not expecting a response to this email, in fact I hope you don't. I also hope that things don't get weird between us because of it as well. You have always been nice to me and humored my attraction to you by letting me hang around you. That has meant a lot to me. I just really had to let you know that I'm over you and that I am glad to have been able to be your friend.
This past semester has been a really bad one for me... in fact, one of the worst times in my life. But because of the love of a teacher and her guiding hand, she's helped me work through a lot of crap. I took a look at my life and realized something very profound. I don't know who I am really. I really don't need to bore you with all the silly details, but in this self reflection I realized that the girl you would want for a spouse and who I am are total and complete opposites. I found myself a fraud and a liar and, well, have realized to be at peace with myself I have to be honest to one person...Me. I am not who you think I am and I know this email comes, like out of nowhere. But I felt that I needed to write you. I am sorry if it makes you feel uncomfortable, but I needed to do it for me. In short Nick I have always felt that I would never be good enough for you. You were always so far above me. And recently I've realized that while this is true it's not because of the reasons I had in high school or even during this summer, It goes a lot deeper and I am okay with that now. Your friendship means a lot to and that is enough. That is all really.
I'm again sorry for this email, and hey it might not even make sense so there is a bonus point for me. ;) Tell your family Hi and sorry for being a nuisance to them all these years as well. Good luck with school and with life. You are a great person and will go far, because you believe in yourself. Don't ever lose that!
Brittani ;0)

I know I've never done anything like to that degree. But i don't regret it. I feel like I can move on now. And I'm cool with that now. I also sent an email to Sandy telling her that I wasn't going to be bothering her anymore. Which I fully intend....okay I really want to follow through with. I feel like I was bothering her way to much. So I've stepped back and it just makes it a little easier that school is out and that she isn't on campus. So it helps. But I truly am going to try not to bug them much next semester. Laura is so great, but she doesn't want to do things with me a lot. So I'm not going to pressure her anymore. I enjoy spending time with them and I don't know how I'm going to get by without room 313. But I will get by cause I have a handle on things and I don't need to rely on anyone but myself. I can do this, I'm still seeking help from the counseling center and will continue to do so. I have felt a difference inside of me from going there and I will continue to do better. So I will do that. I want to not be a burden to people, but someone who is happy and fun to be around. I am going to strive for that very much this next semester. I guess that is my New Years resolution....a few weeks early, but to be happy and when things get tough and stressed then I will talk to my counselor and that is it. I want to trust Donna like I trust Sandy. That's all. Really. I need to send a letter to my parents, I will after Christmas, and to Erica and Charli. I don't think I will go farther than that. I feel I own them an explanation, but as much as gossip flys in Utah I'm sure telling them everyone will know in a short time. After all that then I can continue my journey to find myself and it will be a long journey but I know I'm on the right path this time.

Flash back to my mission.

So on my mission I almost got sent home because I hurt myself. I talk to a counselor over the phone and she said that I wasn't a threat, I only did it for attention. I was just thinking about that, why do I do things for attention.....CAUSE I NEED HELP AND IF I DON'T DO SOMETHING TO GET SOMEONE'S ATTENTION, NOBODY KNOWS I NEED HELP. That's all.
I went and talk to my counselor today. She thinks that the only thing I'm worried about is telling my family about taking a step back from the church and she thinks that once I do that then I will be fine. Well that is one thing that is really bothering me but not all of it. I wished I could have told her more. I have felt better taking a step back, but I don't feel safe in my own skin. I really do push people away. Or I just stop talking to them. I don't know what business I have going into teaching, I am a wreck and am not going to do well as a teacher. But what do I do now. I am sick of feeling this way. I guess my thought process is fake it now cause being depressed is not helping anyone, including me. So when I wake up tomorrow I am going to be a different person to everyone else. If inside I'm dying or hurting....NOONE WILL KNOW ABOUT IT...... ANYMORE.

How come I try so hard to be happy and it doesn't keep.

So this weekend I was all alone and it was good. Things were great. I read and did some things that I've been meaning to do and it was good. Today I got to spend time with my roommate and that was fun. I even went to bed early but then woke up 3 ish hours later and haven't been able to go back to sleep. I hate feeling like this. I hate thinking that I shouldn't have done something. I hate who I am right now....and who I've been. I hate being alone. I want to talk to someone, someone who will understand. But Honestly there isn't anyone out there. I am alone and I just need to come to terms with that. I know there are people out there who will humor me and let me talk to them but they are just people who want to tell me what I feel and what they think I should do. They want to give me their advice and how they think that I should fix everything. Well I have news for you....I've tried to fix it, I've tried listening to everyone and doing what they tell me too. I've tried pushing everyone away, and when that didn't work then letting them all in and sharing what I feel. I regret everything. I had a break down like a week ago. I told my teacher I was finished. That I quit. I was so close too. She said things to make me feel better, but when we talked I focused on one aspect of what was bothering me, not on the bulk or even the biggest thing bothering me. I feel like I take advantage of her. Then she makes me feel stupid saying that I should give her more credit she's a smart lady, and she is. I guess I just want to push her away as well. I think if I push everyone away then I won't hurt as many people. I am going hiking tomorrow half of me wishes that something will happen so that I don't come back. I know that is horrible to say, but it's true. I hate who I am. I can do nothing right, I am a fake and a fraud and worthless and so far gone that there is no hope. I just want someone else to say it. Call it like it is. It bothers me that I make Laura upset. I don't want to talk about my self anymore around her. It hurt when Sandy said that I could have a picture with her but couldn't tag her in the photo. immediately I came home and untagged her from all the photos I had and deleted those pictures. I don't know why it hurt...Well I guess mostly I was mad at myself really that she had to put that disclaimer, because I have overstepped her comfort. I need to not post anymore, or anything like that of FB. I know that I have spent way to much time in her office and talking to her but I don't know what I would have done. I really don't want to do that next semester. I want to keep my distance and not feel like I have to depend on her so much. I am choking back the tears as I type this because I feel like that is what got me through this semester. But I have a counselor that I am seeing now, who gets paid to listen to my ranting and ravings and I don't need to bother Laura or Sandy anymore. I don't need to spend every waking moment on FB so that I can see if they are on or have posted anything. I need to be honest with my family and friends but if I don't say anything and slowly break away from them then it won't matter anyway. I hate when I get on FB and people leave me comments saying they have gone through the temple and are expecting me to be so excited for them. Or, they tell me that God has been so good to them and helped them through struggles or things like that. I don't know why he will help them and completely overlook me. What did I do to screw up so bad that I don't .... need help too. I just have to do something. I need to find a hobby or do something else with my time. I need something to distract me. I can't read anymore books, I am not motivated anymore and I can't focus on any movies or anything on tv. I have no appetite. I don't want to talk to my family about this cause I just don't. I want to sit in my room and take sleeping pills so that I won't have to acknowledge my sad excuse for a life. I shouldn't have said anything from the beginning. I shouldn't have shared my secret. I should have just kept going. If I would have caved because of it later on .... then so be it. But it wouldn't have been on Sandy's time. Then I wouldn't have wasted so much of her time or heard how she's worried about me. She wouldn't have felt like she needed to let me stay at her place that night. I should have not said anything that night, just had them drop me off at the front runner station and then done what I normally did. Why was I so stupid? No, why am I so stupid? So selfish? So many people out there have it so much worse than me and all I can think about is what is wrong with me?, why am I so stupid? Why can't I get anything right? Why do I need the approval of others so bad? What the hell is wrong with me? I hate myself. I wish I were dead. I wish I were gone and not hurting anymore, and therefore no one else would be worried about me or hurting because of my freakin' choices in life! I found out my dad is losing more hours at work which means that they are going to be struggling even more. I am such a problem for my family. I am a burden and truly not worth it. Because I moved out they are going to struggle even more. So that makes me think about moving back home, but mentally I can't take it, and I am losing it here, I can't do this anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to just give it all up. It hurts so bad. I feel like I keep getting further and further into this hole, the more I yell for help the farther away the surface seems to get. The more I try to climb out the deeper I seem to dig myself in. I'm just waiting for the time someone comes along and buries me alive. I thought I was as far down as I could get...I keep thinking I can only go up from here and then I seem to fall even more under. I can't take it anymore. It's 4 30 in the morning and I am alone and I honestly don't feel like I can talk to anyone anymore. What is wrong with me. When is it going to be over? I want this constant dialogue in my head to end...I need it to end. I can't continue to be this pathetic anymore! Cause what is worth going on for? What really do I have to keep me going..........

Apostrophe

Today has been a great day, I've done absolutely nothing. Well I guess I've done stuff. I've read two books, and finished another project I had for me. I didn't get to hike like I wanted but I will do that this week. I liked having all this time to myself. It was invigorating. I know it's christmas break and it's family time, but I want my own time. So I like this. Me time.
Things are less stressful now that school is over. I don't have to worry about school and that is good. I still of other things stressing me out, but it's not so much today. I guess I like when I really have peace in my life even if it only comes in a few hours or one day in five months. It's been good! I like that.
Well That's all for now.

Hmmph!

Well I came up to Ogden so that I could get some much needed homework done by Monday. I've gotten lots done, but still have tonz to do. Well I am missing a family christmas party, a friends wedding reception, and a hangout with my friends night. I have no car, I have homework so it's not like I'm not doing something important and yet I feel like I'm letting people down. My mom told me that I'm not aloud to miss anymore family events. I am 24 years old. I can get busy possibly. I thought moving out would help with the whole, you are letting people down and your life is stretched out way to thin for even me to manage. So I took a break from homework after going nonstop for like 8 hours. I just went out walking, in Ogden, I ended up on a bus and then the next thing I know I'm bawling...on the city bus. Embarrassing! So I try to not look like I'm crying, lucky for me there weren't a lot of people. I really am trying to get my own space and not offend to many people in the process. I don't think that is going to happen though. All I can really say right now is Hmmmph!

Thanksgiving

So yesterday was Thanksgiving, I went home. It was good. It felt more like I was visiting, which is what I was doing. Sometimes I don't know what to say on this because I know that people I actually know will read it. Before this was like my venting session, but now I can't say things the way I really feel because I am afraid of how people would react.

I've recently gotten to the point where I want to find the real me. To not be doing things because someone else thinks I should, or feel a certain way because someone thinks I should, or believe or anything because of what other people think. It's hard cause that is what I have done for most of my life. I have made huge life changing choices because of what I feel other people think I should do or say or think. So now that I'm really trying to find myself it's hard to really find me, who I am and what I have an opinion about. It's even harder because I feel like what is right for me will let so many people down, so many people that I love and respect and would never want to hurt. So I continue to do some soul searching and find out what really I am. I know this is all confusing but that is what is going on in me and has been for so long. I am confused, I want to show people the real me but who is that....instead I show them who I think they want me to be. I am a coward and a fake. I don't want to be that anymore, but how do I just up and change after 24 years of being this person?

I don't know really what to say or do. I started small...I have an opinion and I'm gonna say how I feel about things, like movies or music. If I don't like it I'm going to say it or vice versa. I guess I really don't know what else to say, I could continue to type what comes to my head, but I think that might get me in some trouble. So until I figure out just who I am, I don't think I'll talk about this subject again. L8ers

So this weekend should be fun

Tomorrow's my birthday, I'll be 24. I don't know if I can believe it. Surprisingly I'm really excited for it to be my birthday! Then on Saturday I'm moving to Ogden. I am way excited. I've got so much to do! For the first time in like a month I have my appetite back and I am finally tired at the right time of day.

I feel like maybe I've finally hit the bottom and able to start moving up toward the light. I've got so much to work on, and although it has really sucked the last little while it will get better. I have hope insight and I am going to have peace. It will be great. I really need it now. Anyway...moving on. Talk more later.

The Cold!

Well I didn't sleep again last night. It was okay cause I basically slept this whole weekend, for example I didn't even get up until 4:30 yesterday. That's in the afternoon! So I didn't go to sleep and I'm still pretty wide awake right now. On my morning bus commute, I get a txt, phone call and my mom calls saying I just received a call on my home phone from WSU saying that today is H1N1 flu shot today. I haven't been to scared about that whole thing. But I do have asthma, so my mom told me I should go. It's at another building across campus so I get off the bus early and hike up the hill. Well because it's so cold and I'm hiking, I start having an asthma attack. But of course I don't have an inhaler cause why would I be smart and carry one of those around with me for these occasions. I read the signs and I don't qualify to get a shot today, so that makes me even more upset cause now I'm having an asthma attack and it is all in vain. So I go wait for the shuttle bus to take me back to campus. Normally when I get off the bus I'm right in front of the building I want, nope on the shuttle bus I still have to walk almost as far as I was driven...and it's icy....and I just found out today my shoes have no traction. So I finally get inside and I'm still having a hard time breathing. I just tell myself to calm down and it'll be okay! We'll see. Today is just a continuation of this weekend I can tell, it's gonna suck!

I'm Moving Out!!!!

That's right I'm moving out. I am so excited, and it is much needed! I need this so bad. I love my family and things have been okay for the first part of the semester, but the more stress I feel at school I bring home with me and just want to lock myself up in my room and that is not what my family needs. They just don't understand what is going on in my life right now and I just need to step away. I love them a lot but I need to be on my own.

I've tried to talk about it, but it just doesn't work. I can't express what I'm feeling and they don't understand cause they've never felt this way and so I just need to do this on my own. That's all really! I guess this blog has really just turned into my venting blog and I'm kind of sad that people I know can read this but whatcha gonna do? Anyway homework is still looming and I need to do it so, ttfn!

Why Do I feel like anxiety just follows me around!

I've been sitting here all weekend just procrastinating my homework, which is not a small pile this time. I've got a test and lesson plans and spanish study and just so much. So much, in fact, that I don't want to do anything. There is zero motivation. Then I had an interview today that I went to and it was really good, but I don't know what to make of it yet. I guess I'll just have to wait till they call me this week. I am really trying to look at the good parts of my day/life, but I seem to just be making people unhappy and that isn't fun at all. I can't explain how that just magnifies inside me and I can't shake the feeling. Well, that really is all. I can't get it all out in words I just am trying so hard and I feel like it is getting better, but arghhh! I am just so at the end of my limit tonight.

So this has been a whirlwind of the last two weeks. I can honestly say that things are looking up now. I have a few weeks of the semester left and although they are going to be really stressful and I have a lot of homework to work on. I am going to be okay. I have met this amazing friend, her name is Laura. I absolutely love her. She makes me laugh and feel just so happy. Something else that makes where I am so much better. I have a teacher that knew I needed so help and she helped me. No specifics, but I don't think there is anything I could ever do for her to repay her. I hope that we can be friends for a very very long time. She makes me happy and makes me feel so important. I am so grateful for her and for the last two weeks. Even though school has kind of suffered over the last two weeks, I will get back into it and hopefully make the grades I need to. Life is hard, but we can get through it. Sometimes we will need help and we need to be humble enough to accept it. People do care about us and want us happy.

I was introduced to this song because a friend wanted to cheer me up! I listened to it and love it! I thought that I would share it with you!

The things I want to say, but never can.

I live in a world where I feel I have to be a certain person. I know people don't expect it, but I feel like I have to live up to other peoples standards. I served a mission for my church and since I've come back I feel like my best friend doesn't want to be around me anymore. She served and got home right before me, but I try to be myself around her and fail miserably. I love my family, but I have a wall up I don't want them to see that I'm struggling. To see that I am weak and that I need help. I am suffering from Depression and I thought I was doing well, but I have hit a new low and can't get out of it. I want to talk to someone about it, but see what that has done in the past. I seem to be such a hard friend, I guess I just want one of those true friends that when someone reciprocates friendship with me I go to far and to hard and then they run the other way. I don't want to get hurt again. I want to feel wanted and loved and needed, to feel like I can succeed and accomplish what I truly can do, to not think that I'm worthless or stupid. I want to feel like I mean something to my brother. I feel so judged. What is wrong with me? I know wrong thing to ask. But I can't help but think it right now. I want to know how I can change this feeling. What has happened to my facade? What did I do to mess it up? What has happened to my world? I know I want I need I must...I can't...! That is all. anyway I'm o

Homework.. I didn't like it in High School and I don't like it now!

Wow I really am hating homework today. I've been working on this paper that is due tomorrow for the last four days. Let's just say it's been a really hard struggle! I know that homework is only for our benefit and we are working to better ourselves and our own understanding, but please, I've written three papers, taken three tests, studied for another test and read the new york times so that I can maybe pass one of my quizzes on them! I'm going crazy I feel like my life is just spiraling out of whack! I have accomplished a whole bunch, and so I want to just be finished...but I won't cause I want to get good grades this semester! Anyway goodnight! That is all for now, my venting session is over! :)

Happy Halloween!

This week has been crazy! I've not been sleeping well, so last night I went for a drive. Okay so it was this morning at like 3am. I just had to get out and go. Everyone in my house was snoozing and nobody I know stays up that late so there was no calling anyone. I just left with the music blaring. I left for a few hours and It was great, the night was so peaceful. I was warm in my car and It felt good to just go.

Anyway, It's halloween and I'm home and not doing anything tonight, fun that is. I've got a million things to do for school two nope I mean three papers. One test to study for and I'm going crazy. Literally. That is all. I guess.

I hadn't been on in a while so I figured I needed to update me on my life!

The Little Things

So I was driving my sister to school yesterday and as we were driving down our street I saw the mountains in front of us with the clouds just hanging around the peak and the clouds were formed and billowing and just gorgeous and then in a divide of the mountains the sun comes through just under the clouds. Oh it was beautiful!! I don't know if I described it right but it was so beautiful. I missed those kind of mornings in Canada. They don't have Mountains in Eastern Canada. They try to make you believe they do, but all they have are hills.
Well after my beautiful morning scene, I drove up to WSU for Spanish Class and then to the dentist for what was supposed to be a really minor fix. Then he added two more fillings onto that when he found two cavities. It was great. I left with my whole left side numb. I couldn't feel my ear! I came home and took what was supposed to be an hour nap. Yeah I woke up four hours later. I guess I was a little tired. :) Well then I couldn't sleep last night oops. Now I am so tired today. I will sleep tonight! Well I'm off to catch my second bus.

Life is good!

So last friday I was able to go to my first mission reunion. It was great to see so many friends that I made! It was great to see my mission president again as well. But it wasn't complete. One of my best-est friends wasn't there. I have a companion who is still serving, she gets home in 15 days. I can not wait for her to get home! I talked to her tonight and I've forgotten how much she makes me laugh. I feel like I'm a better person when I'm around her. Well that's really all I wanted to say...just how much I miss her. She's so awesome. That's all!

These Pictures are some of the fun ones we had! (which we had a few) the top one is on Christmas day and we were getting ready to talk to our families. That is my most favorite picture of us!!! Next is at Sisters training. We stayed up late talking and then had a treat... turtles. Can you see the string of carmel to her mouth? Cool huh! Then the bottom is when we were going to a District

Meeting and we wanted to wear

ties too! Fun Fun Fun :)!

Have you ever had one of those days?

Well I have just had one of those weeks. It's been a bear. I've been sick all week with vertigo stuff. And so I missed two days of school and now I feel like I'm way behind. I also am not up to snuff yet so everything is so overwhelming and I feel like nothing is making sense. It sucks cause I was just thinking last week (the beginning), how i've done pretty well at keeping up in my classes. Well guess I need to watch what I say!

Other than that life is good, we had to make family tree posters in my spanish class for today and one of the girls in there was so giggly...of course in caught on and it was a good thing. I also found out that I get free student health care at my school. Which was like amazing. I love it. So I went and figured out what is wrong with me, now I can get better!!! Well my extremely long commute ride is almost over so I say goodbye for now.

Well I had a blog my first year in College because we had to. Let's just say I didn't keep up with it very well. But I didn't care about anything that I talked about then...cause I had to talk about specific school stuff. What I'm trying to say is this should be a better attempt because I can talk about what I want to. Key word should. Well I'm going to school, working, and trying to figure out who I am. Life is crazy. I returned home from a Mission to Halifax Canada in June and sometimes I still feel like I'm adjusting. Today I've been struggling with personality things that I want to change but can't. You see I have this internal desire to stay close with all my friends...but it's harder than it seems sometimes cause not everyone feels the same way. Lately I've felt like I really don't have anyone that I can just call up and go do something. It's hard growing up. I keep thinking that it's just me and I need to change so that I will be more likable or I need to not be so needy cause I think I can be overwhelming. So I decided that I would try that. I want to be that friend I would like to have. Not the one that won't stop calling or txt-ing or facebook stalking or comes to your house and you want them to leave but are too nice to say get out of my house your bugging me. I want to be someone that people can come to for advice. That people go out of their way to say Hi or I was thinking about you. Then on the opposite side I feel like I'm one of a kind, whose willing to go the extra mile and show a close friend how much their friendship means to me but I can't find someone to reciprocate. Who knows. These were just the thoughts going through my head right now. I guess it's not the opening I had in mind. I actually set up this account 3 weeks ago but haven't thought of what to say in the first post, so although this is not what I had in Mind, it'll have to work. Well of to bed school comes early.